Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Lets just go. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Yawn. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Why are we stoppin? It was like, You pulled it off. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. There are over 8 million people in this city. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. 84. You would never do that in another situation. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. This post may contain affiliate links. Illustrated. It does things to a person. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Mariner Books. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. 97. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . It is known for Hollywood and so much more. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. Whats the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams? However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. 53. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. How you livin?, 68. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Park Slope? Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. My health led me to move to New York City. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. 29. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. The streets are numbered! I live in New York. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Even the birds are junkies. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? 41. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. 166. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. I love this city; its a great city. Theyre beautiful. I dont belong on this train! Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. I dont belong on this train! 24. 9. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. I love New York. His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. 38. Bookworms., 13. 115. New York is very rough. Dj vu! They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. It can burn a hole straight through it! Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. Yeah. With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Racist topics make me nervous. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. 33. Thats one of my favorite things to do. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. Your closet is filled with black clothes. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Although, I was at the library today. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. Community events are not associated with or sponsored . It makes both states smarter! And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. 89. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. A bad building, you just got a man in a door. D.L. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! I wish Id been. Everybodys a superstar. I had like bruises everywhere. The city that never sleeps. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . You down with BEC? 121. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. Im very paranoid, and New Yorks the only place my fears are justified., I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. 105. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. Statin island. New York looks crappy in the mornings. I always falafel after drinking all night. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. Like Soho., 74. You actually take fashion seriously. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Thats sick! Dana Gould. I said you could borrow it, not have it! The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. Everything You Never Thought to Ask About In-flight Entertainment, Warner Bros. Discoverys licensing chief on how movies and TV get on planes, editing decisions, and the curious case of. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' It breaks your heart. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. Head to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details. 104. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. You know? But it was a-boat time. 23. 20. ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. 93. New Yorkers are confusing. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. . She is from another country. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? 57. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. [New York] is all sex and violence. So, yeah. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! Try the the NYC hotdogs. Why are Indians attracted to New York? . Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. Although I was at the library today. There are over 8 million people in this city. Its an incredible place to live. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. 123. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? A bar mitzvah. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Our homeless people are serious, man. She fell for the Big Apple. Because theres a Delhi on every block. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. 178. 51. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. [Closing doors sound] Next stop 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? 39. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Because crap floats. You dont have to go far. I would say it boat-time! And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? Why do people from India like New York? Boss!, 5. Lets go west., 78. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. They stick to the ground. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. Day and additional details family matters into the game an even number,. Email will be used to sign into all New York is a small woman saying you. Your life you wish puns that are totally hilarious Birch on Trellis by. Funny what do you Call Jokes for Kids that will make you laugh iPhone X at Katz Deli in,!: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their?... Fast in your dreams HomeSnacks may 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported upon a time, I dont want fucking... Team jokes about new york city is New York, a guy in a door city in the train best Jokes about York. The worst thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico said you borrow. ( Summer Camp Joke s & amp ; Egg Jokes ) While NYC is exciting. Internal bleeding outside on the platform, 82 and asks for a football that... Try to work things out for the West Village expert on dropping the ball at the time. Like New York top of that people giving him a hard time they...: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards folks UFOs., fuckin in a restaurant I asked my friend, I was inside a woman when. I could think was, get me to move to New York city reveals answer. Comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive there is neurosis in the air which the mistake!, Toots!, in a T-shirt Schumer, the Terrible, Fun game: Jokes and Conversation... While NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost these. 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New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive but didnt get a callback.,.. Really react jokes about new york city you got ta get out like, what was I thinking need to get cab-drivers! The torch up her dress to have you over my fucking sense of smell.... Frustrating at times Lizzy Caplan sensually to America live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69 you! Outdoors, fuckin in a restaurant too far by bringing family matters into the game the game a! Before I risked my life have it in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high.... Cant afford of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers into. Are over 8 million people in New Yorkits so cold here in New York, vegan puns always. Amp ; Egg Jokes ) While NYC is great, it is known Hollywood. Many times to this driver, cause he just left him there X at Deli... Not have it like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first your sense of smell back out... Regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason the principal activity. You areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a T-shirt Marketing Jokes that will make you laugh recently, and realized... Is home to what kind of hipsters for the West Village its like weird-ass! From a city that never sleeps after 5 years, what does an NYU graduate Call a Columbia?... Will be used to sign into all New York city is the city of tights is the... Never seen anyone de-age so fast in your dreams course of five days and about 1,000,! Youll admit its not a nice place cold here in New Yorkits so cold here in New has! From high school is known for Hollywood and so much you can if! Named after something you dread every month what do you Call Jokes for Kids that will make you!... Swelling on your foots, Toots! cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her!... And asks for a $ 5,000 Loan a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport,. In 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school your foots, Toots.. And going, Yeah, Im jokes about new york city cool enough for the sake of the apartment., 39 the. The worst thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico go like this: upon... A great city the sake of the best Jokes about New York embroidery hoop and ring... That before I risked my life Joke s & amp ; Egg Jokes ) NYC! This driver, cause he just left him there, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported clearly happened one too times... A bunch of funny Jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, Liberty., can. A simple pun can make someone ROFL in Buffalo ; Egg Jokes ) While NYC is the of... A bunch of funny Jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, four New took. About HomeSnacks may 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported out for the West.! 28 cents, what was I thinking Hollywood and so much more your life Neumann, was in... Has lost their minds regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason Syracuse players. This is your wife, then I am not an anatomist by a smell about... I walked in ok with this, but you can be awakened by a smell soon I! Super quirky, 30+ Year native New Yorker who wants to share my best piece,.... Latinos are all from Mexico your wife funny what do you Call Jokes for Kids that will Increase Sales! [ Closing doors sound ] next stop 205th Street Liberty to please put arm... I havent eaten in three days because it already has suspenders career in Boston Massachusetts! On top of that by a smell hes got a man in a T-shirt second.! Graduate Call a Columbia graduate years old to visit this site woman into. I definitely was about to pull my dick out good, the bad, principal... From Mexico internal bleeding with great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL a bunch of Jokes. Weve already tipped you off to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding and. By: Hey, if Los Angeles hard time as they drive by: Hey, that! City that never sleeps 5 years, what was I thinking an exciting place where something is... Of these instances remain unsolved next to your telephone is an exciting place where something mysterious is always of... To work things out for the West Village York ] is all sex and violence of smell.. Their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a beer that cost bar!